Introspection

I’ve been taking some downtime with family while we celebrate the holidays. I’ve tried to catch up on some rest – an all too illusive commodity these days. It’s time to face the world again, but first, a bit of introspection.

As some of you know, I'm frequently torn between the objective and subjective in my writing for The Shepherd Report. Blogging is a freedom heretofore unknown and the only rules are self-imposed. Some of my intrepid readers write me private emails with suggestions, preferring not to comment publicly on the blog. I respect your wishes and I’m grateful for the sincerity in your correspondence and the honesty of your views.

Often as I sit here torn between two worlds, I sometimes feel I write in a vacuum. Still, occasionally, surprisingly, I get positive feedback which challenges me to keep going.

This is an especially tough week for me for many reasons. There are several family members dealing with health issues; they need a healing touch from the Master’s Hand. My heart’s prayer is that it will be His will to do so -- and, if not, then I pray for His grace to sustain us all. Others are struggling with stuff -- old stuff, new stuff, some major, some minor; but stuff is stuff and must be dealt with before it can be put in its proper place.

Tonight is the 10th anniversary of my lovely mother’s home-going to Heaven. Has it really been that long? It seems like only yesterday -- or was it a lifetime ago? We were so very close for so many years, much more like sisters than mother and daughter. I miss her. No, I’m not over it – I never will be -- I got through it and that’s really all that matters in the grand scheme of things. Losing one who is so loved is like that, and I think that's as it should be.

And me? I feel the weight of it all. It's a tough time, with my own concerns and the concerns of others. For the countless joys and the many wonderful blessings in my life, which are innumerable, there's another side, which at this time of year seems difficult.

The holidays have been especially hard for me this year. The days are short, the nights too long. And the only answer at a time like this is deep prayer that draws me closer to God, for it is only with His help that I survive the dark times. Prayer, and recounting all the many blessings that I am so thankful for – and they are immeasurable -- and I am profoundly grateful.

And deep prayer in all things, while holding my Savior’s hand -- the only solace that has meaning. Anything else is palliative.

Each one of us struggles with our own deepest sadness. It’s as much a part of life as the air we breathe.

With prayer and quietness alone before the Lord, I know this too shall pass. And it will -- although it's tough on the shortest of days of the year like this when so many hopes, fears and disappointments are laid painfully bare.